Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Spiritually Unequal Marriage

Tonight is one of those nights being married to someone (as my friends Lynn Donovan and Dineen Miller- Authors of Winning Him Without Words would say is) spiritually unequal has been a REAL challenge! My Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde husband was totally rude and to put it bluntly a real jerk tonight. He proceeded to snap at me more than once at my daughters game and in front of other team parents. He walked to the car after the game with his buddy leaving me to walk alone several feet back, took a bag of drinks and swung it to hit my arm instead of saying excuse me to get my attention so I would take it.....need I go on? I felt my blood pressure soar with each incident!

If you're in a spiritually unequal marriage you may understand exactly where I am coming from with this. When one partner chooses to surrender to Christ and transform taking on Christ-Like behavior and the other doesn't, it makes for very rough waters for sure. All of us have bad days; however, I find now that I have a relationship with Jesus I am extremely conscious of my actions and how I treat others....and if I am short or rude to someone, an apology comes much easier than it did in my prior life.

So, what did I do? Came home, fed the dogs, grabbed my laptop and bible and retreated to the bedroom ~ removing myself from the situation seemed like the best way to handle this. Thank God for teaching me how to gain Peace with my husband regardless of the situation.

Ephesians 4:31 says ' Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you.

Well, this scripture is a tall order when you are dealing with someone who has spent most of the night hurting your feelings or making you mad. It would be so much easier to fly off the handle with my husband and remind him in no uncertain terms, "HON, You are to love your wife just as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her (Eph 5:25) AND you are to "love your wives as your own body"(vs 28) ~ or even to remind him that he is SUPPOSE to be the spiritual head of our home. But I know, this is not to be. This would spark a fire, in the form of a massive argument, that would end up making me say things that would put me in a category similar to his, losing my Christ-like behavior! - so instead,

I consider his day....He works 24/7 in a towing and recovery business (I typically work 8-5, M-F). He deals with customer's all day long and some days are especially trying for him. He has a couple of back up drivers; however, with my husband, no one ever does the job like he would - therefore they are lacking and cause him frustration. (these guys work hard and give him the chance to have a break). It was hot outside today in high 80's and much of his work is physical labor (I sat in my air conditioned office all day) - in reviewing the facts, I see better why he was so 'cranky'. Does it excuse the way he acted, no. But in thinking about it, I can have a little compassion and be a 'Peacemaker'. After all, it's not always like this.

Counseled by my pastor, reading the book noted above by Lynn and Dineen, and considering much sought out advice - I know that I need to continue to live in the image of Christ. My transformation and walk may be just the seed my husband needs to see in order to seek out Jesus and gain salvation.

For many years my husband and I were spiritually equal - neither one of us chose to live Christ-like and our relationship was rockier than it has ever been. It was the easy way to live~ but sure was rocky.

Now I give Jesus 150%, every day and pray for my husband constantly. I know that Jesus is in control and that He works miracles. I also believe without a shadow of a doubt that he will find Christ and transform into a God-Fearing Man, wonderful husband, and father. (He isn't a bad husband or father, in fact, quite the opposite; but I want to see him as the spiritual head of our home where Jesus created him to be). I also understand this will be in GOD's time. Not my time, Not my husband's time - strictly God's time. Until then, we keep on keeping on!

~~~~Chew on this for a bit........Your attitude and behavior with your Spiritually Unequal Husband is a CHOICE. Pray and allow God to direct your path.

Heavenly Father, I pray for all the marriages out there in the world that are not spiritually equal. It is my prayer that thru seeing the Christ-like behavior of a spouse, a seed will be planted bringing the marriage to a united front, with Jesus. I pray for my own marriage Father, that you will continue to do your work and that my husband will soon find the desire to become a newly transformed Child of God and take his place at the head of our household. I thank you Father for the many, many blessings. We love you, honor you, and worship you. In your holy name we pray. Amen.

Take a minute and read a great related devotion from sweet Lysa TerKeurst, Proverbs 31 Ministries. See link to the Lysa's devotion from today 'Women, Stop Praying'

14 comments:

  1. Kelley, I love your honesty here and how you dealt with your feelings. Sending you lots of hugs, my friend. :-)

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    1. Thanks Dineen, this blogging is new to me - but you and Lynn have shown me so much - and there is much to be shared with others to not only help marriages, but also help people to grow in their relationship with Jesus. Touching Lives and Multiplying the Kingdom!

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  2. Kelley thank you so much for the reminder. Sometimes it is so hard to take the high road but I know it will pay off, I have seen huge steps in the right direction from my husband in the last year :) It is so hard for me as a woman to understand that he doesn't know how to love me the way I know how to love him bc he doesn't know true love, God's love :) Can't wait to read the book you mentioned. Have a great day. **Amanda G

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    1. Amen Amanda!! Love, compassion, and true caring for others cannot be done without a true love for Jesus -when you love Jesus, your heart truly is changed and you have this conscience that prevents you from acting in a way that would be unacceptable to Jesus. You truly live to glorify Him in all you do. This is what is missing in the lives of our husbands and it's very sad. BUT, I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT MY JESUS HAS GOT THIS and MY HUSBAND WILL BE SAVED - it may be 20 years from now, but what a celebration it will be!!!! HUGS

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  3. Oh Kelly,

    We are in one accord. Amen.. Amen... AMEN. So beautifully written and filled with truth. It's a hard truth and a very high calling indeed for a believer but we have an extraordinary God. I absolutely believe He can do anything in our marriages. LOVE you so much. So excited for your new adventure here. BIG hugs. Lynn

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    1. Thank you Lynn for all you have done and continued to do for us that are spiritually unequal! So thankful for you and Dineen and your heart to share your story! Hugs

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  4. Kelley, I feel your frustration as well. Been there, done everything you are doing. Though my husband was more "emotionally absent", often times it came across as very outwardly rude when in public. Equally hurtful, nonetheless. God is indeed able to do exceeding abundantly beyond everything we have asked or have imagined in our marriages. Stay faithful, dear sister. Remain hopeful. But above all, continue to LOVE and RESPECT your husband, even though it seems he is not deserving of it. I, for sure, was not deserving of God's love, and that helps keep me in check. It has been 20 years for me that we became "spiritually mismatched". I can honestly say, though he is not there yet, I am crazy in love with my husband today. THAT'S GOD!! I am already planning to repeat our wedding vows as a couple truly united in Christ. Believing it will be soon! Hugs to you Kelley!

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story and words of wisdom! I'm excited you are claiming VICTORY - and are planning to repeat your vows one day! I love that - I too would love that! I claim VICTORY as well - cause I know who my daddy is and He will make sure that it happens!

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  5. Just what I needed, just when I needed it. God works in amazing, miraculous ways! PRAISE GOD!! Thank you for this post!

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    1. I'm so glad! Blogging is new to me, but there is so much I want to say and share - it is so my goal to touch lives - to connect in Christ - and grow in my walk with Him by sharing and loving others as He loves us!

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  6. Kelley,

    What a wonderful start to this new adventure. I a so proud of you that you have no clue how much. My cup runnet over with love for my best friend and knowing that God does do miracles in his own time for sure but they do get done. This is amazing for you and I am with you every step of the way to cheer you on. Wonderful attitde with sitting back and assesing the situaton. Great job and I hope that others will learn from you and let God into their lives and help them as well. God bless you my dear friend of 33 years!!!!

    Love,
    Roxanna

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    1. Thank you Roxanna! I miss you my friend and although God has got me in a whirlwind of activity right now doing His work, I think of you often and pray over you and your family! We must find some girl time soon! LOVE YOU!

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  7. I had to come back to say thank you again. It has been a rough day not one I anticipated when I read this earlier. My husband did not have to go into work today (which is uncommon considering he works a M-F) therefore throwing a curve ball to me & the kiddos schedule and his as well. He was stressed and not meaning to hurt me he made some comments that I internalized to be attacks. I am happy to say with God's help, I held my tongue (hard for me)!!!! Thanks for the reminder on the perfect day!!!!!!

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    1. God works in AMAZING and PERFECT ways!!! I am sorry I am just responding but was not getting notifications that I had comments on my blog! (new to this!) I hope you will continue to share and check in with me often. My email is kmurphy0921@aol.com and I can be found on FB at Kelley Blair Murphy. It is my ultimate goal to do His work and multiply the kingdom - in whatever ways He calls me to do that! So please keep in touch!

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Must Read Books!

  • A Confident Heart, Renee Swope
  • An Untroubled Heart, Micca Campbell
  • Crazy Love, Frances Chan
  • Fit for My King, Sheri Rose Shepherd
  • Made to Crave, Lysa TerKeurst
  • Radical, David Platt
  • Winning Him without Words, Lynn Donovan & Dineen Miller